Pinings — Advice by Sherry Hughes

Changing My Mind...

Dear Sherry,

I was attracted to my boyfriend because he was so different from me. I was really interested in the things he did and the people he is friends with. Weíve been together for eight months now and Iím kind of changing my mind about the attraction. I now feel as if we donít have anything in common. I think heís a really nice guy and we get along well. But in the last few months, Iím not as psyched about hanging out with him. I always feel like there is stuff I want to do that I donít get to do. I like playing video games and just going out with friends to hang out or play pool, stuff like that. Heís older than me, so I think maybe I got caught up in thinking he was more serious and I should try and get more serious too. Iím 22 and I want to get married some day Ö but I feel way too young to think about it now. He is 35 and ready to settle down. He is in love with me and says Iím the best thing that ever happened to him.

Should I give this more time? Am I being selfish?

- Denise

Dear Denise,

Be honest with your guy about how you are feeling. Itís not that heís a bad guy or a poor boyfriend. Face it, you just arenít feeling it for him. And thatís fine. You arenít doing him any favors by pretending to feel something you donít feel.

A long time ago, I was in a relationship with someone I had nothing in common with. When the relationship ended, I was devastated. I went to counseling to get through the rough period and just couldnít understand what had happened. My therapist suggested (gently) that it didnít sound to him like we were a great match, really. I was astounded! How could he even think that? On further reflection, I realized he was right, we didnít really have much in common at all. I still wasnít satisfied, though. I asked him, ďBut isnít that normal? Donít people have relationships all the time without tons of stuff in common? Whatís wrong with doing some things together and some things apart?Ē He said, ďWell, I think there are many, many divorced people who used to think that.Ē

Thereís nothing wrong with individual interests ó in fact, I think itís an essential component of a healthy relationship. But if the only thing you have in common is Ö well, television-watching Ö you might want to rethink your relationship.

Sherry Hughes welcomes letters from readers. Reach her via e-mail at

2005 HippoPress LLC | Manchester, NH