Pinings — Advice by Sherry Hughes
I want to let you know that I read your column all the time and I love your advice.
I just moved to Nashua, from California, with my husband. I left my job, family and friends, and now I am feeling very homesick.
My husband and I moved to New Hampshire because he got transferred to work here. I love my husband very much and I am willing to support him but I am not happy. I donít have a job or friends and I am having a hard time adjusting to all these changes. Being a non-white from a very diverse, metropolitan area, I have never felt out of place and lonely as I am here. We are young, so we donít have any children yet. I think this state is beautiful but it is not for me. Is it unfair to ask my husband to move back? We have talked about it but he is still reluctant about leaving a job that he loves. Any advice?
Iím sorry you are having a hard time. Moving that kind of distance has got to be really tough.
This part of the nation is much more Ö shall we say conservative than other areas. New Englanders arenít known as outgoing and overly welcoming to newcomers, unfortunately. The upside of that is that once they know you, theyíve got your back forever. That said, you are going to have to have a little patience if you are going to stay here.
First, make a deal with yourself. Give yourself permission to talk seriously to your husband about moving back after a certain amount of time, maybe nine months? A year? Until a year has passed, you wonít talk about moving. You can talk about missing California, being homesick and feeling out of place, but not moving.
Next, find something to do. You donít have any children, so that means you have the time to work or volunteer, right? Most of us meet friends at work. At the very least, youíll have some extra cash (perhaps for a plane ticket home for the holidays?) and youíll fill up your time. You should be able to find a job, even part time, that you enjoy.
The other thing you might do is figure out ways to meet new people. This is stuff that everyone has to do if they move to a community where they donít know anyone. If you work out, join a gym. If you read, join a book club. You can start going to church, if you are inclined to. And you might go to several churches before you find a place where you fit in. Take a yoga class. Check out a meditation center. There are community education classes in most towns that offer language classes, computer courses, even cake decorating Ö for a small cost. You are bound to meet some people there.
It all sounds like work, Iím sure, but if you are just staying at home waiting for your husband to come home, youíll never feel better about being here.
The sacrifice you are both making is significant. Itís hard. You donít need to live here forever. Maybe this is just a good job for him for right now. Give it your best shot and Iíll bet things will feel better. And you always have going home to fall back on. You can talk to him about moving back to California if things donít turn around for you.
Sherry Hughes welcomes letters from readers. You can e-mail her at firstname.lastname@example.org
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