Pinings — Advice by Sherry Hughes

The Pain In Spain...

Dear Pinings,

The man of my dreams is on his way out the door and I just donít know how to stop him. I have loved him for two years now, through some very rough times, but he is simply not able to commit thoroughly to our relationship.

We met when we were in college and started living together after about six months together. Throughout all of this time, heís kept a relationship going with a woman in Spain. Spain! He met her when he was an exchange student and has an incredible bond with her ó so he says. He has seen her every year, and they keep in touch through mail, but itís not like itís this heavy romance or anything. If anything, I get the impression that he is more infatuated with her than she is with him.

I finally felt like Iíd had enough after he went into the bedroom to have a private chat with her on the phone yesterday. I was livid when he came back in and he knew it. I told him that I could no longer deal with this. I told him that he had to choose; either he can be with me 100 percent or he could be with her. He said he loves her and canít give her up.

Right now he is packing his bags, literally. I donít know what to do to make him see that this whole thing with her is merely a fantasy heís created in his mind.

- Patti

Dear Patti,

Well, the problem is that it clearly isnít a fantasy heís created. His feelings for her are real, even if they are unrequited. What you donít seem willing to accept is that this woman owns a piece of this manís heart. You can do anything you want, but only the two of them have the power to change that. Either he decides he isnít willing to leave you because of his feelings for her or she decides that he is just a friend or whatever óyou canít do anything to change it. What you can do (and what you should do) is grab your self-respect and get the hell out. There are other fish in the ocean, my dear, many of whom wonít be duplicitous in affairs of the heart. You deserve better.

Sherry Hughes welcomes letters from readers. Write her via e-mail at

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