Pinings — Advice by Sherry Hughes
The Boyfriend & The Friend!
Iím sure someone has written to you about this sort of thing before, but I am confused and angry and I need advice. My boyfriend of four years has been cheating on meówith a friend of mine. He says it ďdidnít mean anythingĒ and that itís over now. I only found out because they both mentioned being somewhere, and it was a place Iíd never been. After that, I spent a couple of weeks doing detective work. When I confronted him, he lied. When I later talked to her, she lied too, but sheís not as convincing. At that point, I already had all the evidence I needed (his cell phone bill, specifically) but I just wanted to see who would be honest with me.
Anyway, the problem
Iím having now is that I am absolutely full of rage. I havenít seen either of
them for over a month, and donít intend to. As far as Iím concerned, they donít
deserve to be friends of mineóor anything else. Although they both apologized
and promised it was overóand my ex wanted us to ďwork things outĒóI am having a
hard time moving on. I am obsessed with where they are and what they are doing.
I call my friends and ask if theyíve seen them, where were they, etc. I drive by
their houses all the time to see if they are together. And Iím having wicked
I canít figure out
why I canít get past this. I feel terrible. It seems as if Iíd start to feel
better by now.
Iím sorry you had to go through that. Iíve been there and it sucks.
This is huge emotional trauma. Youíve been hurt by two people that you loved and
trusted. And they, in turn, lied about what you knew to be the truth. I would
agree that they donít deserve to be a part of your life. And two things to
remember about that:
- You get to decide who is worthy of your trust and love.
- Forgiveness doesnít mean you have to have a relationship with someone who has hurt you.
Itís very early for you to expect to be feeling better. You are in the very
beginning of the grieving process. Grieving can take a long time. Be gentle with
yourself and take some time to pull out of this difficult period. Ask for help
from others, perhaps even a therapist, if you are feeling really desperate. And
knock off the drive-bys and gathering information from friends; itíll only keep
you sad and angry. And it may be considered harassment.
You found out about the affair for a reason. In time, youíll see that you can now move on to a healthier relationship.
Oh, and if it makes you feel any better, these folks have some nasty karma coming their way.
Sherry Hughes welcomes letters from readers. Reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org
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