May 6, 2010

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Bullet For My Valentine, Fever
Zomba Records, April 27

The cover of this album — a hot chick with a lobster claw for a right hand — isn’t just the story of this dreadful screamo fail, it’s the story of the whole “neo-metal” genre, comprising bands that mortally fear guitar solos, outside-the-norm ethnic influences and, most lobster-clawy of all, women. The lyrics read like the liner notes for one of your stupid torture-horror Hostel flicks — my chick is mean, so I’ll light us both on fire, things like this. Maybe I’m missing some egghead nuance (maybe I’m misconstruing “So now I dance in the flames, I love you crying and screaming my name”), but whatever, who ordered this slop? These ingredients — Slayer gore lyrics, gelded Iron Maiden guitars, gelded Boyz II Men vocals interrupted occasionally by a gelded Cookie Monster — are really what you want, young teens? Does Lobster Girl scare you? Does she make you want to rock?

This would normally be evolution at work, being their third album, but the only part that’s been studiously tweaked is the Boyz II Men harmonizing.

What on earth. Maybe you kids aren’t learning everything you need to know from YouTube and 4chan. Maybe you really do need that talk about the birds and the bees (and the mean-ass metal) after all. We’ll be in front of the flat-screen, recuperating from working off your stupid texting bill. D-Eric W. Saeger