February 12, 2009

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Trouble Andrew, Trouble Andrew
Virgin Records, Feb. 10

I put this record on and ambivalence settles in, so deep and wide that my soul falls into a yawning chasm of yawns, each wider, more onion-breathy and more spittle-spraying than before, until I begin floating upward like a balloon stamped “pop me.”

What on earth, I query the air, would possess someone to throw together such a chintzy, cheese-slathered blob of truly, madly, seriously useless Depeche Mode worship unless they were a spoiled jet-setting extreme sportsman who hangs out with a lot of Biffs and Muffys and one of them threw on a She Wants Revenge record once? And then I discover, by finally reading the press sheet, that that’s precisely what this Trouble Andrew guy is: a snowboarder sponsored by companies like Oakley. A classic “outdoors” type. Probably has freckles and finds Dane Cook’s humor “freakin’ outlandish.”

Support this thin-sliced hunk of cow pie at thy peril, lest Paris Hilton take up painting and Michael Phelps opera singing. As for this record’s place in my collection, it sadly shan’t have one as it was tossed into a food processor. Completely by accident. DEric W. Saeger