April 5, 2007

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Lordi, The Arockalypse
The End Records, 2007

Monster-masked Fins wanting to be the next Kiss posting up an album that wants to be the next Destroyer. Like most info-addicts, you probably gave the media blitz of these bean counters a sideways glance, took a quick educated guess at what it’d sound like (if you said “Prong meets Motley Crue, but, you know, Finnish,” you’ve won a year’s supply of Hamburger Helper) and promptly surfed back to whatever train wreck of a MySpace page had your attention that particular minute, but wait, there’s more. OK, psych, there isn’t, unless you’re descended from someone who actually got something out of listening to Ratt’s Invasion of Your Privacy (wait, “You’re in Love” was a groovy song) (and not that Lordi sounds like Ratt, but just saying) (and if you’re still reading this it means there’s no puff of smoke where you just were, meaning you didn’t peel out to buy this record, meaning you never will) (probably because you’re too old, man). The Arockalypse descends first with a (count-em) 4-minute news report delivered by a fellow who sounds like reality-TV-star Gene Simmons, all about how the dead have suddenly come to life and started eating people, and then the Prong/Motley Crue power-chords and growling come bashing in like a bunch of bashing bashers out to bash and smash. B- Eric W. Saeger