November 29, 2007

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Lizzy Borden, Appointment With Death
Metal Blade Records, Oct. 2
Oh ho, so now it’s an “appointment with death” you want to foist upon the world, Lizzy? Back when the only low-rent-spectacle competing against Lizzy Borden shows was Triceratops vs Tyrannosaurus in the steel cage, you guys sure sounded like Motley Crue. You are so bagged.

All the thrasher kids took up the chant “Death to false metal,” and called you guys “posers,” one of those hyperbolic scene-eating-itself things that made it sound like you got up on stage in pretty dresses and did Raffi songs instead of those block-rockin’ Looks That Kill beats. That was some bleak stuff, wasn’t it?

So here we are — you’ve finally caught up to the late ’80s, hard at work implementing your vengeance. What’s great is that it’s safe to have three Brides of Dracula chicks from L.A. basking in your mojo on the album art (AND sneak super-poser George Lynch from Dokken into the studio by cover of night) even though you did a 360 and now sound exactly like Helloween or Iron Maiden (seriously, is there a difference?), which is jiggy because all the beefs are just old and stupid. And whatever, the kids are all listening to xylophone music and emo (seriously, is there a difference?) anyway.

Just goes to show, hang in there long enough and METAL WILL CONQUER ALL. B- Eric W. Saeger