August 9, 2007

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Job For a Cowboy, Genesis
Metal Blade Records, 2007
108, New Beats From a Dead Heart
Deathwish Inc. Records, 2007

History shows again and again how nature points out the folly of thrash metal fans, but who’s got time for truisms when there’s so much MySpace to explore. In fact, if it weren’t for MySpace we wouldn’t even have to discuss Midwestern underagers Job For a Cowboy, who put out an EP a while ago that was so average that the word “average” had to upgrade its server. In retaliation for the world’s briefly acknowledging the band’s suckage and moving on to other sucky things, JFAC became a 4-man Eric Cartman-as-video-gamer, going without sleep for weeks, endlessly clicking away at MySpace pages and accumulating Friends until their Friend count reached six figures. Since the band’s tunes auto-launch when you hit their page, every porn addict, cheating spouse, ebonics-oramus and cereal-spewing bulimic in the world unknowingly helped these barons of jack-diddly climb the MySpace Music charts. In retaliation for that, Metal Blade signed them, taught them how to sing more like Bathory, forced their guitarist to steal parts from the last 100 “extreme metal” bands to enter the great metal birth canal, then sat back to see if JFAC were able to impregnate the ears of witty, handsome, animal-loving, drug-and-disease-free critics who dance quite well. In retaliation, I’m going to talk briefly about how awesome the band 108 is, how their no-nonsense straight-edge-metal riffs are heavier than the last sound a Kaisut Desert-wandering Rendille hears before a rhino stomps him to death, how they make you want to swing your arms low and menacingly like a 600-pound bull gorilla who’s misplaced his favorite boulder, and how they’re Hare Krishnas, which probably explains everything. Job For a Cowboy: D+ 108: AEric W. Saeger