Wine — What’s your wine sign?

What’s your wine sign?

By Tim Protzman

The stars can tell you what to think and drink

I used to go to this place called the Dialtone Lounge in New York. It had great music, watery drinks and a phone in each booth. Dial a number and you’re connected, booth to booth.

The place was a meat market. Some people got right into the 900-number stuff, but what I remember is we always called up to ask each other’s Zodiac sign.

It’s been a long time since anyone has asked my sign. So I consulted Pasqualina, my online psychic, and she suggested for $157.99 she’d do my astrological chart.

It seemed like a bargain, so I asked her to put an oenological spin on it and include a section called Wines of the Zodiac.

Aries: Hot-tempered and apt to take office supplies. A leader, full of ideas that you’ll never follow through on. At ease surrounded by a crowd of sycophants, at least one of which you can abuse. Your Power Wine is Chateau L’Angelus 96 St Emilion, $121.99. A merlot blend that’s disappointing without food.

Taurus: Sturdy friend, you may be slow but you get what you want. You find comfort in routine. You know life’s finer pleasures and find happiness in the simple. Your Comfy Ole Slipper Wine is Wild Horse Central Coast Chardonnay, $15.99. A terrific everyday or dinner-party wine. Not oaky, not buttery, with a faint finish of melon and lemon zest.

Gemini: Talkative, a born negotiator, you have a way of seeing both sides and are often the peacemaker. Your Wine That Goes with Everything is Chateau St Jean Merlot, $17.99. Cherry flavors turn to more structured tobacco and currant notes.

Cancer: Crusty but tender. You never plan, but it always works out. You dress in Hugo Boss, but wear Axx. Your Contradictory Wine is Rancho Zabaco Stefani Vineyard Zinfandel. Brawny, yet elegant. The perfect mix of chateau and backyard grape arbor.

Leo: Bossy, classy, loud and snotty. You love to entertain when someone else cooks. You’re an expert on returning clothing you’ve worn more than once. Your Dominant Wine is Thornbury Marlborough, NZ Sauvignon Blanc, $16.99. Like any higher-end New Zealand Sauv Blanc, Thornbury shows pineapple, pomegranate, butterscotch flavors and a mineral-y backbone of bitter endive.

Virgo: You give and then take away. At least you tried! You’re the kinkiest of signs and are well acquainted with the neon side of life. Your Love Wine is Ruggeri Prosecco di Valdobbiadne, $13.99. Honey notes with a light Fresca-like finish.

Libra: Tough, demanding, but fair. Always know where you stand. Your Old Reliable Wine is any Callaway Wine. The house wine of many wine enthusiasts, Callaway uses technology and craft to produce a great product, dirt cheap.

Scorpio: You can keep a secret, because you have so many. Opaque and distant, you evoke a burgundy, because of the risk. Will you be great, or just passable? Your Mystery Wine is Olivier Leflaive Chassagne Montrachet 1999, $26.99. Pear and apricot with an oaky background.

Sagittarius: You love winning and I like losing to Sagittarians because they’re so jovial. Hangings were once your prime entertainment. Your Competitive Yet Bubbly Wine is Pol Roget Brut Rosé, $43.99 Superior bubbles with a slight rosé sweetness.

Capricorn: Cool as cucumber in a crisis, dull as dirt in real life. Your Favorite Sleepy-Bye Wine is Sandeman Imperial 20-Yr Tawny Port, $35.99. Brandied plum flavors, with the occasional rum raisin clarity.

Aquarius: Although you lack passion you can chat up a storm, and people find you sophisticated—‘til their dog dies; then they realize you’re just cold. Your Opposite Wine is Mastroberardino Lacryma Christi, $14.99. It exudes warmth. From the slopes of Mt. Vesuvius.

Pisces: Or would you rather be a fish? Like the song, you’re slow and dreamy. Life’s perfect in your world. But the Wine that Goes Best with Fish is Truchard Chardonnay from Carneros, CA, $25.99. Great with poached, fried, creamed or broiled. A boutique winery at factory outlet prices.


Find your bottle

The New Hampshire Liquor Commission can help you find your beverage with a click or two. Just go to, type the name of your wine into the product locater and click “go.” The site’s search engine will come up with a list of stores that carry the bottle you seek.

- Tim Protzman

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