Film — Blade: Trinity (R)

Blade: Trinity (R)

by Amy Diaz

Wesley Snipes tosses off one-liners before killing vampires while Ryan Reynolds keeps up a rat-a-tat stream of sarcasm and Jessica Biel looks sullen in a belly-baring shirt in the unnecessary escapist amusement that is Blade: Trinity.

And, that’s it. Seriously, I’ve just given you everything you need to know about this movie. Reynolds provides the comic relief to the steady stream of Snipes-led violence with the occasional nod to the tough-girl hotness of Biel. The movie seems to recognize that it will inspire far more laughs than screams and so it plays up the camp, producing plenty of intentional and, probably, unintentional giggles.

The story seems so well used that we barely need introduction to it. A group of Euro-trash-like baddie vamps — led with comic annoyance by Danica Talos (Parker Posey) — have decided to wake up the first vampire, a thick-necked wall-of-man named Drake (Dominic Purcell). He’s been sleeping soundly in the Iraqi desert — unperturbed by overhead disturbances — since the late Middle Ages. Now awake, and sorta pissed, he’s intent on wreaking all sorts of destruction with the ultimate goal of, er, something bad probably. The vampires have produced a method of blood farming that will make it easier to extract the red stuff from us humans and have some vague plans to use Drake’s DNA to evolve into daylight walkers but, honestly, whatever. Danica’s boys seem incompetent and rather lazy. Which really works in Blade’s (Snipes) favor.

See, everybody’s favorite hybrid has found himself orphaned by his mentor and captured by the FBI for his many murders of the vampires’ human helpers. He’s quickly rescued from a life of painfully dull psychotherapy by a group of Goonies that call themselves the Nightstalkers. Leading up the bunch of multitalented superhero wannabes are Hannibal (Reynolds), highly prized for his ability to make the cultural reference, and Abigail Whistler (Biel), illegitimate daughter of Blade’s former mentor.

The kids want to use Drake’s waking as a chance to gather a little DNA of their own and create a vampire-killing virus. So, saddle up the SUVs and lock-and-load the silver-tipped arrows, it’s time to head into war.

Very silly war.

Blade: Trinity is mostly forgettable and seems to be built as a movie that’s more amusement park ride than mythology-laded comic. Certainly Reynolds and Posey seem to have a blast playing slayer and vampire — scampering across the screen in kitschy little get-ups while brandishing absurd weaponry. Biel seems to like her chance to drop the angst and just play it tough — no more Mary Camden, Biel gets to be all badass.

The only one not having much fun is Snipes. His Blade doesn’t seem torn up at the loss of a mentor or worried about the future of humanity. He seems cranky, like he woke up from an afternoon nap to find his animal crackers eaten and his cartoons preempted.

So the question you need to ask yourself is not “should I see Blade: Trinity?” It’s “do I have 105 minutes to kill on a movie I’ll forget the moment I see it but which will briefly provide me with a break from the real world?”

- Amy Diaz

 
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