May 25, 2006


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See No Evil (R)
AA group of teens meet grisly, poorly acted ends at the hands of a grunting Kane of WWE fame (a.k.a. Glen Jacobs) in See No Evil.

Fun fact about See No Evil: it is directed by Gregory Dark, who, according to Internet Movie Database, has primarily directed porn plus a few music videos. This, the porn-approach to movie-making, is cheerfully evident throughout the film. Plot? Dialogue? Character? P-shaw. See No Evil saves its loving gaze for scenes of gruesome killing and its music-video artsiness (if you consider shaky-cam and quick cuts artsy) to ramp up the, er, volume if nothing else on the pre-gore screaming and struggling.

Insofar as there is a “story” to See No Evil, it goes like this. A group of delinquent teens goes to the burned and decaying Blackwell Hotel to clean it — a hilariously impossible task. Once they, a minder and a police officer arrive at the hotel, the yspend a few minutes milling around, getting the “we’re being watched” heebie-jeebies anytime they take a shower or look in the mirror and making plans for even more delinquency once their watchers are in for the night. Some teens head for the even more disgusting penthouse to party with two sad-looking hand-rolled joints and a former pimp (whoo-hoo!), some try to escape via a crack in an atrium and some search for a safe full of money that’s supposed to exist somewhere in the hotel. Every single one of these plans goes horribly awry when Jacob Goodnight (Kane) — a massive lump of a man with a miniscule vocabulary and a big wad of mother-induced psychological problems — shows up with a big hook and finds entertaining new ways to kill the teens and adults one by one.

Oh, and, once they’re immobilized, he plucks their eyes out. Wheeee!

I’ll give the movie this — nothing creeps me out more than eye-related carnage. A horror film consisting entirely of people putting on eyeliner and removing stray eyelashes would keep me up nights for weeks. Beyond the ocular squishing, however, See No Evil offers little we haven’t seen a dozen times before. And, when it isn’t making it just that much harder for me to put on contact lenses with its eye-yanking, See No Evil is quite boring. F

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