July 20, 2006

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Little Man (PG-13)
Try as hard as you can but no mere mortal, no puny movie critic's suffering, no yippy-dog-like complaints about the difference between funny and disturbing can stop the overwhelming juggernaut of the Wayans family as that profit-turning clan proves once more with Little Man.

Fun fact about White Chicks: according to Entertainment Weekly, the 2004 "comedy" about two black FBI agents who dressed up as Paris and Niki Hilton-like socialites cost $37 million to make and earned about $70 million at the box office and sold about 4 million DVDs. You know what that means? White Chicks made money. It was a success.

Wrap your mind around that.

Little Man involved quite a bit of CGI and therefore cost about $50 million to make, EW said. The movie, which came in second last weekend, has already earned an estimated $21.7 million. You know what that means? Little Man is on its way to being successful as well. And do you know what all of this means?

They will never ever stop.

Calvin (Marlon Wayans) is a toddler-sized criminal who is involved in a diamond heist with his dim-witted friend Percy (Tracy Morgan). After they have to dump their getaway car (because, during the robbery, it gets a boot), they split up and Calvin decides to ditch the diamond in a woman's purse. Calvin and Percy follow Vanessa (Kerry Washington) and Darryl (Shawn Wayans) to their lovely suburban home which lacks for nothing except, according to Darryl, the pitter patter of little feet.

He really should have been more specific about the whose of little feet.

Percy dresses Calvin up like a baby and leaves him in front of Darryl and Vanessa's home in a basket. Darryl and Vanessa find the very strange and creepy looking "child" and, because it's the weekend and child services is closed, they decide to keep the baby for the weekend. Darryl hopes that the baby will trigger the maternal instincts in the career-minded Vanessa and Vanessa hopes that Darryl will prove his fatherly mettle.

Calvin, naturally, is not able to simply grab the diamond and toddle away. He keeps finding himself stuck back in coochy-coo situations and we enjoy the heee-laaarious results of dressing a grown man in footies who is simultaneously trying to act cute and act gangster.

Here is me watching Little Man: "Ha ha ugh. Eh. Ew. Eeeeeew. Eeeewww! Aaaaaargh! Ow! Make it stop! Make it stop!"

Here is the Wayanses watching me watching Little Man: "Ah, another $6.25." (Because I saw Little Man at a matinee; take that, Wayanses.)

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy — now that was a stupid movie. A stupid movie that, in spite of its rampant stupidity (or heck, probably because of it) I found funny. Little Man is a stupid movie that I will never ever watch again. Little Man was painful to watch from its clichéd beginning to its trite ending. Cheap jokes, repetitive gags, fizzless pratfalls — it's like listening to your dentist tell the same unfunny knock-knock-joke over and over as he performs surgery on you without anesthetic. The only thing that kept me clinging to sanity was the knowledge that it would all be over in 90 minutes. F


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