May 11, 2006

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Pimp My Cubicle, by Reverend Smoothello J. Debaclous (aka Turk Regan) (Running Press, 2006, 64 pages)

This isn’t just a book. It’s a complete lifestyle change. Where was it when I toiled in a cubicle for five years, grinding my soul to into a mushy pulp? Argh!

In addition to the book (more of a pamphlet, really; it’s the same size and shape as a folded-up street map with lots of funky illustrations), the Pimp My Cubicle kit includes a host of accessories to maximize your pimpin’ style. I shall grade each one individually to arrive at an average score.

• Money sign paperweight: Clear lucite with a gold dollar sign encased within, the paperweight does have real heft. It can be displayed upright, 2001 monolith-style, though it leans forward a degree or two; or flat on a stack of, I don’t know, hooker and blow contracts. A

• Gold push pins: Okay, they help tie the theme together, I suppose. But they’re just push pins. Colored gold. Still, cubicle dwellers can always use ten more push pins. C+

• Dazzling disco ball: You know those foam spheres at craft stores that seemed to have no purpose other than modeling the solar system? Stick hundreds of tiny mirrors in one. Aww yeah. It’s totally going on my Christmas tree. A

• Pimp mousepad: Half the size of your typical mousepad, but any true pimp knows size don’t matter none. A diamond dotting the i. Sparkling gold letters. Plus, if you turn it upside down, it says “dwid.” A

• Leopard-print fringe: But what leopard is bright yellow? If it were faux fur, or even that velvety stuff, it’d be awesome, but it’s just glossy paper. C-

• Bling! keyboard key: I was all set to rave about this thing — bright yellow with “Bling!” in cheerful cursive script — but then I saw it’s not an actual replacement keycap. You peel off the backing and stick it somewhere. Some industrious engineering could probably get it in place of the Escape key, but my heart has been broken a little bit. A-

• 64-page book: 17 suggested cubicle pimping strategies make up the heart of this book, and very few people wouldn’t be able to find one that suits their fantasy. From the Barbequebicle to Dominatrix Dungeon, each design is accompanied with illustrations (no, sadly, no photos) by Fred Rix. The good reverend ends his book acknowledging that the included kit is woefully inadequate to truly pimpify anything, and is intended only to kickstart you. A+

In the end, the lame aspects of this kit really don’t drag the good parts down. Don’t like ’em? Throw ’em out. They’re the cheapest parts anyway, so maybe you’re out a dollar. Good riddance. A

— John “JaQ” Andrews


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