July 31, 2008
Dork vs. Dork: Part 3 of The Mummy
Dollar store Indiana Jones fights kung-fu mummies and dragons
By Glenn Given firstname.lastname@example.org†& Dan†Szczesny email@example.com
The Mummy? Part 3? Are we really having this barrel-of-fish shooting match? Here are a few points for your side of the fence, Szcz. Mario Bello is head and shoulders better than Rachel Weisz and I guess mummies with the potential for being ninjas are marginally more interesting than your standard Middle Eastern variety. Plus fighting a dragon with a í50s fighter plane is undeniably sweet.
Where to beginÖ well, the writers scripted the blockbuster spin-off series Aquaman (no, not the entertaining spoof from Entourage) as well as Herbie Fully Loaded, Lethal Weapon 4 and enough episodes of perennial stinker Smallville to choke a horse. Brendan Fraserís one speed sell-it-to-the-back-row acting has battered an over-acting Stockholm Syndrome into the American viewer, apparently, ícause we keep putting him in films. Jet Li? If kicking and mumbling were bug-eyed shouting then he would be Chinaís answer to Fraser. I donít even know how Michelle Yeoh got roped into this ó oh yes, itís because she has never been in a single good film. And Maria Bello, my sweet dear, you donít need to do this schlock anymore, youíre a big girl actor now, start living like it. The Tomb of the Dragon Emporer will, like its two predecessors, have the production values of a grade-school diorama. I think Iíll pass. ó Glenn Given
Where are you from, Long Island? Listen, Gatsby, Iím not sure how they do it in the Hamptons, but here in regular person land, our grade- school dioramas stand for something. Want to know what that something is? Ninja mummies, thatís what. I find it hard to believe that you of all people would reject the wholesome, decent and, yes, American, beauty of ninja mummies. Youíve changed, buddy, and itís not a pretty sight.
The charm of Brendan Fraserís Mummy series rests solely on its pulpy, eye-winking unlikeliness. A second-rate Indiana Jones? Sure, but then again the last Indiana Jones movie stunk to high heaven and collapsed under the weight of its own mythology. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor will have no such problems. Brendan Fraser is perfectly suited for this kind of silliness. And with The Fast and the Furious and XXX under his belt, director Rob Cohen might not have a clue when it comes to character development, but, damn, can he make 90 minutes of car crashes and explosions sing. And in the end, this movie is all about one thing and one thing only: ninja mummies in the form of Jet Li. OK, so heís not exactly a ninja, but close enough! Oh, and did I mention that there are dragons and the Abominable Snowman? So, to recap: Mummies. Ninjas. Dragons. And the Abominable Snowman. That adds up to mindless summer fun, my friends! ó Dan†Szczesny
Alrighty, I think youíre full up on mindless buddy, taking in this hour and a half of curdled CGI cheese might cause thy cup to runneth over. I canít fathom why anyone would dredge up XXX and The Fast and the Furious in defense of a directorís pedigree.
Yes, yes yes Ninja mummies riding dragons that shoot flaming abominable snowmen are the distillation of all fine arts since the dawn of man. But Jet Li? Meh. Kicking the badly styled hair of Fraser in one more awkward attempt to break into the Hollywood mainstream fails to entice me. Itís sad whenever someone as talented at hitting another person as Li must stoop to such a level. But at least nobody will go and see that shame. The Mummy? More like The Dummy!.
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