January 18, 2007

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Pinings: Flashback
by Sherry Hughes sah103@hotmail.com

In December, one Pinings column was about a woman who found out about an affair going on between a friend of hers and a neighbor. The writer didnít know what to do, but felt as if she was stuck between a rock and hard place, avoiding the wife who was being cheated on and angry with the cheating husband. She also said the couple had a difficult marriage and she wasnít sure they should even be together.

This letter came to me from a reader regarding that column:

Dear Pinings:
Itís been a long time since I was in the laundry room & someone thought I was Dear Abby and confided in me some deep dark secret such as an affair!! But Iíll give it a try. How About MYOB!! This must be a classy lady who confides in a neighbor thatís sheís shedding her underwear with a married man ó classy enough so I question her motives and veracity. Why is it that you women think God appointed you to go around spreading the ďtruthĒ about who is playing pattycake with whomever, be it true or false?

The writer goes on to say: Why is it that women get some perverted pleasure in causing emotional pain to someone else ó especially to other women? Hereís my advice ó Get a Life. Unless Classy is bunking in with your main squeeze itís not your problem. Itís not your business. What she needs to tell Classy is to find another ear to bend about her affair ó and by the way, tell her sheís a big-mouth slut.

The letter is signed Sixty & Wiser

For those who didnít read my response, here it is:
ďIf it were up to me, Iíd tell the husband what I know and tell him to fish or cut bait. In other words, tell him to end the affair, end the marriage or ífess up Öbut you arenít going to keep this to yourself forever. If you tell the wife, she may cop a resentment against you rather than him. Iím not sure why things work this way, but they do, and I know because Iíve done it.Ē

Hereís why I wrote what I wrote: If Iím dating you and you withhold information Öabout being unemployed, being ill, having children, being in debt, that you used to be a different gender, etc., you arenít giving me the information I need to make an informed decision about whether I want to continue to date you. That, of course, is all information that comes out through the dating process, over a period of time. In a long-term relationship, in this case marriage, being honest is crucial to the health of the relationship. Honesty isnít suspended at the altar. If Iím married to you and you neglect to tell me about something important, oh, like an affair, you compromise me in many ways: my health, my future, my well-being, etc. I know you all get that. And I know that when people have affairs, they arenít thinking about all of those things that are compromised.

I disagree that women, in general, receive pleasure in causing emotional pain to others. I know some people make decisions that they later regret. But I also think that people are reluctant to tell the truth for fear of sounding judgmental. I hear this all the time, ďItís not for me to judge.Ē I think itís okay ó and perhaps our role as friends ó to speak up sometimes when we see something happening that may lead to catastrophe, crisis or harm. Who could possibly get pleasure from that? For me, I feel horrible when my friends suffer. And my close friends know that Iíd rather know the truth, even if it hurts, than have someone blowing smoke up my skirt..

Sherry Hughes welcomes letters from readers at sah103@hotmail.com



1/11/2007Trying to get better

1/04/2007 Scroogey
12/28/2006 Dirty laundry
12/21/2006 Straight shooter
12/14/2006 Nice to meet you
12/7/2006 Survey says!
11/23/2006 Scrooge's night out
11/16/2006 the uncomfortable truth
11/9/2006 BYO-BFF
11/2/2006 Re-styling
10/26/2006 Boozy boys
10/19/2006 Dear readers
10/12/2006 Lack of ambition
10/05/2006 Sorry seems to be the hardest word
09/28/2006 Cheaters, the best reality show ever
09/21/2006 Baby daddy
09/14/2006 Dollars and sense
09/07/2006 I know what boys like
08/24/2006 Act the part
08/17/2006 www.addicted.org
08/10/2006 Cousel-ation prizes
08/03/2006 Bridezillas
07/27/2006 Office space
07/20/2006 Dream a little dream
07/13/2006 Hanging on the telephone
06/29/2006 Lets get it on
06/22/2006 A dubious proposition
06/15/2006 Fighting Fair
06/08/2006 Dogged by guilt
06/01/2006 Itsy bitsy
05/25/2006 Lovey dovey couple
05/18/2006 Simple questions
05/11/2006 My racist friend
05/04/2006 Secret nostalgia
04/27/2006 Making connections
04/20/2006 Live a little
04/13/2006 Live a little
04/06/2006 Torn
03/30/2006 Disagreements
03/23/2006 The simple life
03/16/2006 I thought it was love
03/09/2006 Alone but not lonely
03/02/2006 Compatability?
02/23/2006 A rock and a hard place
02/16/2006 A whole-hearted agreement
02/09/2006 Growing apart
01/26/2006 Tuning out?
01/12/2006 Under pressure
01/05/2006 Sex isn't everything?
A Few Words From Sherry

A LIttle Joy, A Little Heartbreak
Abusive Relationship
Abusive Relationships
Advice to young mother
Annual Tips For Avoiding The Holiday Fight
Any Way To Return To 'Just Friends'?
At The Women's Expo

Back In The Same Place
Back Off, Buddy
Bad Breaks
Being Patient
Blog, Blog, Blog
Broke up

California Dreaming
Changing My Mind
Clearing It Up
Cooking Help
Confused and Angry
Consumed By The Internet
Crying All The Time
Dating Again
Ex-Cooperation
Falling Short
Family Friction
Friend, With Benefits
Friends
Friendly Secret
Gift-Giving Season
Go to Funeral?
Homesick
Hunting Season
In Love and Confused
It's the most "beautiful" time of the year...
Keeping Things Secret
Just Sex
Lying, But Not Cheating
Might Get Married
Move Back Home?
My Boyfriend's Computer
My Roommate's Family
Mutual Intrigue
Needs Support
Newly Single Mother
No Explanation
Nosy Neighbors
Nothing Happened
Oh, Grow Up

On Her Way To 'Trouble'

Our Pal Al
Pretty Tight
Publicity Stunt?
Quiet, Please
RSVP, Please
Ruthie's Secret
Should I Stick or Should I Run
Should I Tell Him
Shy Girl
Splitting and Sharing
Stuck In A Sticky Situation
Sucky Gifts
Taking advantage
The Boyfriend & The Friend
The Difficult Coworker
The Letter
The Pain In Spain
The Sad Bride
The Ultimatum
Two Men At The Same Time
Vacation, Not

Why would anyone stay?