September 7, 2006

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Pinings: I know what boys like
by Sherry Hughes sah103@hotmail.com

Dear Sherry,
I was reading one of your responses to a womanís question about her boyfriend watching pornography because I had the same sort of problem. I knew my fiancť was into porn before we were together and thatís fine. Since Iíve been with him, he told me he had some Playboy magazines and if I recall correctly, maybe a video or two, and I accepted that. However, my curiosity got to me and I checked his computer, only to find 7.5 gigabytes of porn on there, plus numerous porn sites that he has visited.

Since we live together, he gets up in the morning before I do and looks at them then. I was extremely bothered by this, especially since he told me that he doesnít have very much, and he doesnít look at porn anymore anyway. Since we live together, I donít feel that looking on a shared computer is snooping.

I know most guys do watch porn, but Iím still extremely bothered by it. My worry became stronger when I read your comment about love-making. When we have sex, itís great, but weíve never had a full sexual experience that has been warm, tender or loving Ö maybe for a few minutes, but weighed against the rest of the times, I donít think itís enough. Itís bothered me before, but I didnít let it get to me until now. Could this have any link to his porn watching?

Iím not good with how to word my questions, but I want to know if I should view those two situations as problems. I know some porn is normal, but I think the amount he has is over the top Ö and the fact that heís never lovingly intimate with me kind of hurts my feelings. Iím worried that he sees sex as more of a physical thing than emotional. What are your thoughts on the topics?
Julia

Dear Julia,
I donít know that some porn in the form of computer files, magazines or videos is what Iíd call normal for most couples, but I donít find it unusual. I think itís a very personal thing and a choice best made by the couple. In this case, your idea of a small amount and your fiancťís are vastly different. And your idea of snooping and mine are different, too. If you are looking at my computer files, e-mail or history, I call that snooping.

The bottom line is that he hasnít been as truthful as you would like him to be about porn. Add that to the snooping factor and Iíd say youíre even.

You two are long overdue for a talk about this subject Ė not an argument, but a talk ó and perhaps some negotiating. You can tell him what an acceptable amount of pornography would mean for you and he can tell you what he thinks about that. And then you can talk about the whole relationship between sex and porn ó if there is one ó and how you are feeling about it.

I think many, if not most, men look at sex as more of a physical outlet than an emotional connection. That doesnít make it right or wrong. But if you arenít getting the tenderness you desire, itís time to speak up. It isnít necessarily about porn; it may just be the way he makes love. You say that the sex is great, which is excellent. Now you can talk to him about adding a component that makes you happy, such as more intimacy and warmth. Even better, you can take the initiative in bed and show him what you want.

Sherry Hughes welcomes letters from readers at sah103@hotmail.com


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