Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. Will it buckle your swash or merely haul your keel?
By Glenn Given firstname.lastname@example.org and Dan Szczesny email@example.com
How tiring. Instead of being able to relish in the surprise, whirlwind joy of the first movie’s surprise success, Pirates of the Caribbean returns with an unnecessary sequel, Dead Man’s Chest.
All the main characters are back in silly sounding story that involves Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightly) having to find Capt. Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) in order to be able to marry Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) or face prison. That’s pretty much it.
The hook on which this tired idea hangs is, of course, Depp’s foppish pirate, Capt. Jack. Honestly, the real thrill of the first movie was that the expectations were so low, it was at least a pleasure to watch Depp, stumble and Argh! his way through a reasonably decent imitation of Keith Richards. I mean the franchise is based on a Disney ride, for heaven’s sake. It was fun to watch Depp come in for a paycheck, see a little nicely choreographed sword fighting go home filled with popcorn. Easy in and easy out, with no one, including the folks who made the picture, looking back.
But not now. Oh no. Who does Disney think it’s fooling by trying to jerk this sequel out of the park as well? Aside from Depp, this is a strictly minor league ball team that got lucky the first time around. Director Gore Verbinski’s past credits include The Mexican and The Weather Man. The screenplay duo of Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio have both Zorro movies and, God help us, Godzilla, on their resume. No way lighting strikes twice here, folks.
A sequel only highlights the weaknesses of the first movie. Knightly and Bloom’s milquetoast characterizations are no match to Depp’s...well, anything actually. Depp character can be a street lamp and it would still have more depth than anything his co-stars can manage.
And what’s all this about the movie being continued? When has that worked? Wait for the DVD, then rent them both.
— Dan Szczesny
Dan, is your last names spelled S-Z-IDon’tKnowWhatI’mTalkingAbout-C-Z-E-S-N-Y? I think it might be. You should talk to your production manager about amending that. If the best criticism you can offer is that Johnny Depp is great and he outshines his co-stars than you’ve backed the wrong horse. It’s like you lost some abritrary coin toss to determine which side of this debate you’d be forced to take. You could remove Depp from the equation and you would still have one hell of a flick. Pirates + sea monsters + wet corsets + pirates + sword fighting + cannibals + pirates + faux british accents + pirates cross bred with seamonsters multiplied by grog and sea shanties = sweet with a remaninder of awesome that rounds up to totally awesome. Yes, the Disney ride is an inspiration for the film but your burning disgust for democracy and liberty is an inspiration for you and you still “write good.” Stop the cycle of violence Dan; you don’t have to hate something just becuase it’s not French New Wave cinema.
It is a fact, proven by science, that pirates are awesome to the max. There is nary a smidgen of piratical entertainment that doesn’t tickle the pleasure centers of the brain; even the “worst” shanty filled and booty-plundering movie pleases. They’re as bankable as robots fighting dragons.
Oh wait, whats that? This is the pirate movie that stars former 21 Jump Street phenom Johnny Depp (a.k.a. the best actor of our generation) reprising his greatest character and the stalwart Bill Nighy as the demonic Davey Jones, who I might add has, OMFG, a squid for a face. Is the sultry Kiera Knightly also in this outing? Yes! Does she wear sexy clothes and get soaking wet? Why yes indeed she does. Is Stellan Skarsgard here along with Jonathan Pryce? Is there a enormous sea monster that crushes boats in it’s mighty, mighty tentacles? Yes! Yes! Totally sweet.
Case closed, call the baby sitter Jen we’re going to the movies.
I hate Disney like terrorists hate freedom but they’ve delivered where summer films have since failed. They entertained with Pirates of the Caribbean in 2003 and they’re set to do it again with Dead Man’s Chest. Earnest entertainment like the Pirates franchise make the haze of summer bearable. They return honest fun to the multiplex amidst the schlock and drek that normally pollutes the screens and aids the over-priced concessions in robbing your wallet of hard earned cash. It is this unabashed enjoyment of over the top fun that shows Hollywood at it’s very best. We know that they can’t deliver art, but I’ll be damned if, when they hit the mark, you can find a better purveyor of glee.
I apologize to the nay sayers and haters who think that Depp can’t run Jack Sparrow around the block a few more times. Sorry, ‘cause swashbuckling Keith Richards are where it’s at. Heck, lets shuffle the real Keith Richards off and replace him with Depp; I guarantee that the Stones would be relevant once more.
— Glenn Given
What the? Are you delirious on rum? We’re supposed to be previewing a movie here, Glenn, not defending Mickey Mouse. I know that freedom and liberty to you equals shilling for Disney, and hey, I support your God-given right to enjoy the Hall of Presidents as much as any Constitutional empowered American. But to say that Disney returns honest fun to the theaters... You actually wrote that. Disney equals “honest fun.” That Disney is “Hollywood at its best.” Go on, look at what you wrote. Take a minute. I’ll wait. Every so often we do or say something that years from now, when our grandchildren are gathered around our knees, and one of them hands us proof of our misdeeds, we will have no choice but to hang our heads and weep. This my friend will be your shame. I’m sorry it had to be committed, here, for all to see. Listen, you can cash your dirty Disney check later. For now, let’s stick to the “movie” at hand. And to that end, all I can say is, honestly, even the terrorists hate Keith Richards. In fact, we should send The Rolling Stones after Bin Laden. War over in 24 hours. Pirates was a one-trick pony my friend. No amount of sea monsters, squid or corsets can change that fact. I’m just sorry to see how badly you’ve been swash buckled.
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