June 15, 2006

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Pinings: Fighting Fair
by Sherry Hughes sah103@hotmail.com

Keep those letters coming folks. I love hearing from you. This week I decided to write a column about a subject that involves all of us: fighting and what it does to us and for us.

I’m a fighter from way back. I used to really enjoy a good argument. Today, I need serenity in my life. Serenity is in, chaos is out. I choose my fights carefully and do my best to walk away if things are getting to heated or unproductive.

But some folks operate differently and it wouldn’t be a normal week if there wasn’t a big old fight. Sometimes the couple makes up and moves on. Other times the cops get called. Often the fighting fuels passion and there is lots of lovemaking, you know, make-up sex.

Whatever happens in your life is your business. But there are a few things to bear in mind about fighting that are hard to remember when we are in the heat of the moment. Here are some that I try (try, I said) to abide by:

1.No swearing.

2.No name calling.

3.Use your inside voice.

4.Absolutely never, ever physically touch someone in anger.

5.Try to stick to the subject, focusing on this as a new fight, rather than every other fight you’ve ever had.

6.Never say, “Here we go.”

7.Slamming cabinets or doors, throwing things or physical intimidation (slamming one fist into another or into a wall) is not OK.

8.Walking away is OK if the anger is escalating; the key is to not yell “I CAN’T STAND BEING NEAR YOU FOR ONE MORE MINUTE…” or some such statement before leaving the house.

Fighting fair is keeping others out of the conversation (which means that it’s not OK to insult your boyfriend’s mother just for the fun of it) and working toward a solution. Actually, that’s called a conversation. And if you can, that’s the way to go. But everyone gets angry from time to time and fights happen.

One friend of mine is fond of saying that it’s more important to be kind than it is to be right. She also told me that she always tries to remember that she wouldn’t have married her husband if he was as much of a jerk as she thinks he is when they fight.

Arguing is tough ….it’s draining emotionally and physically and it attacks our spirit. But sometimes it’s cleansing too.

Just try to be the most reasonable person you know how to be and always, always, always opt for a conversation rather than a fight -- if you can.

Sherry Hughes welcomes letters from readers at sah103@hotmail.com


Comments? Thoughts? Discuss this article and more at hippoflea.com



06/08/2006 Dogged by guilt
06/01/2006 Itsy bitsy
05/25/2006 Lovey dovey couple
05/18/2006 Simple questions
05/11/2006 My racist friend
05/04/2006 Secret nostalgia
04/27/2006 Making connections
04/20/2006 Live a little
04/13/2006 Live a little
04/06/2006 Torn
03/30/2006 Disagreements
03/23/2006 The simple life
03/16/2006 I thought it was love
03/09/2006 Alone but not lonely
03/02/2006 Compatability?
02/23/2006 A rock and a hard place
02/16/2006 A whole-hearted agreement
02/09/2006 Growing apart
01/26/2006 Tuning out?
01/12/2006 Under pressure
01/05/2006 Sex isn't everything?
A Few Words From Sherry

A LIttle Joy, A Little Heartbreak
Abusive Relationship
Abusive Relationships
Advice to young mother
Annual Tips For Avoiding The Holiday Fight
Any Way To Return To 'Just Friends'?
At The Women's Expo

Back In The Same Place
Back Off, Buddy
Bad Breaks
Being Patient
Blog, Blog, Blog
Broke up

California Dreaming
Changing My Mind
Clearing It Up
Cooking Help
Confused and Angry
Consumed By The Internet
Crying All The Time
Dating Again
Ex-Cooperation
Falling Short
Family Friction
Friend, With Benefits
Friends
Friendly Secret
Gift-Giving Season
Go to Funeral?
Homesick
Hunting Season
In Love and Confused
It's the most "beautiful" time of the year...
Keeping Things Secret
Just Sex
Lying, But Not Cheating
Might Get Married
Move Back Home?
My Boyfriend's Computer
My Roommate's Family
Mutual Intrigue
Needs Support
Newly Single Mother
No Explanation
Nosy Neighbors
Nothing Happened
Oh, Grow Up

On Her Way To 'Trouble'

Our Pal Al
Pretty Tight
Publicity Stunt?
Quiet, Please
RSVP, Please
Ruthie's Secret
Should I Stick or Should I Run
Should I Tell Him
Shy Girl
Splitting and Sharing
Stuck In A Sticky Situation
Sucky Gifts
Taking advantage
The Boyfriend & The Friend
The Difficult Coworker
The Letter
The Pain In Spain
The Sad Bride
The Ultimatum
Two Men At The Same Time
Vacation, Not

Why would anyone stay?