Pinings: Fighting Fair
by Sherry Hughes firstname.lastname@example.org
Keep those letters coming folks. I love hearing from you. This week I decided to write a column about a subject that involves all of us: fighting and what it does to us and for us.
I’m a fighter from way back. I used to really enjoy a good argument. Today, I need serenity in my life. Serenity is in, chaos is out. I choose my fights carefully and do my best to walk away if things are getting to heated or unproductive.
But some folks operate differently and it wouldn’t be a normal week if there wasn’t a big old fight. Sometimes the couple makes up and moves on. Other times the cops get called. Often the fighting fuels passion and there is lots of lovemaking, you know, make-up sex.
Whatever happens in your life is your business. But there are a few things to bear in mind about fighting that are hard to remember when we are in the heat of the moment. Here are some that I try (try, I said) to abide by:
2.No name calling.
3.Use your inside voice.
4.Absolutely never, ever physically touch someone in anger.
5.Try to stick to the subject, focusing on this as a new fight, rather than every other fight you’ve ever had.
6.Never say, “Here we go.”
7.Slamming cabinets or doors, throwing things or physical intimidation (slamming one fist into another or into a wall) is not OK.
8.Walking away is OK if the anger is escalating; the key is to not yell “I CAN’T STAND BEING NEAR YOU FOR ONE MORE MINUTE…” or some such statement before leaving the house.
Fighting fair is keeping others out of the conversation (which means that it’s not OK to insult your boyfriend’s mother just for the fun of it) and working toward a solution. Actually, that’s called a conversation. And if you can, that’s the way to go. But everyone gets angry from time to time and fights happen.
One friend of mine is fond of saying that it’s more important to be kind than it is to be right. She also told me that she always tries to remember that she wouldn’t have married her husband if he was as much of a jerk as she thinks he is when they fight.
Arguing is tough ….it’s draining emotionally and physically and it attacks our spirit. But sometimes it’s cleansing too.
Just try to be the most reasonable person you know how to be and always, always, always opt for a conversation rather than a fight -- if you can.
Sherry Hughes welcomes letters from readers at email@example.com
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