Pinings: Sex isn't everything?
My partner and I have been together for three years. She is everything I want in a girlfriendÖsheís smart and funny, cute, and very sweet. The problem? Our sex life sucks. Weíve both been with other women before, so itís not a matter of either of us wanting a guy.
About a month ago, I tried to talk to her, to tell her that I need more intimacy, but she just didnít see that anything was wrong. She feels comfortable with where we are and feels we are loving and affectionate and when we do have sex, itís good.
I want to not only have more sex, but I want to have better sex. Right now we only have it about once a monthÖand itís good, but itís always the same.
How do I get across to her that I really mean business, that Iím not just whining?
Well, you know that sex isnít everything. But you are smart enough to know that there has to be a give and take in relationships with everything, not just sex. That said, I want you to know that you are my personal hero of sorts. I really love a woman who says what she wants and isnít afraid to talk about it. And if you need more sex than you are getting, and if you want more of it, you have to be really clear and consistent with your girlfriend again ó and maybe again. Let her know that this is really important to you and ask if she has any ideas on how to make things more equitable.
If that doesnít get you anywhere, turn on the romance. See what you can do to spice things up a bit (a date, a weekend away, bedroom accouterments that may help titillate her, maybe setting a romantic scene at home). In other words, make her want you. You remember how to do that, Iím sure of it.
Let me know how things shape up. And by the way, donít feel ashamed of wanting more sex, itís a healthy thing. But remember, too, that we all have different levels of satisfaction. Just because she is happy with once a month doesnít mean thatís the norm.
Sherry Hughes welcomes letters from readers. Write her at email@example.com.