Santa sack filled to the brim with sports
by Dave Long
With Christmas arriving
this week, it’s time to give presents to various and sundry sports folk.
So these go out to the following;
the wide receiver formerly known as T. O: A clue.
the Manchester Wolves: A quarterback resembling the departed Jake Eaton
(his young). The Jimmy Olson of PR gets a new opening sentence for when
he grows tired of starting every press releaseswith “The Manchester
Wolves are proud to announce .....”
Bill Weidacher: The real estate mogul gets a life-sized cardboard cutout
of Mike Torrez for anytime he wants to recall the moment he told the big
fella that he should have taken a few warm-ups when Bucky went to get a
new bat on the fateful day.
Mike Torrez: A lawyer with success in getting his clients anti-stalking
protection to help him steer clear of overzealous long-memory types like
the aforementioned real estate mogul.
Trinity Girls: A second straight Class L basketball title because when
it takes as long as it did to win the first one, you want to go out and
win it again right away.
Jason Richardson: My Sports Night producer gets a director’s cut of the
NBA anthology, Get the Point, to show that while his boy John Stockton
was great, he didn’t quite have the same magic as Ervin Johnson.
the F-Cats: Since we can’t hope for a boatload of talent, as that may
lead to the Blue Jays wrecking havoc in Fenway some day — how about a
few rehab starts this summer for A. J. Brunett and Roy Halladay in
Primary Cat Stadium.
Doc (10) Wheeler: A copy of Michael Holley’s Patriot Reign to get a few
secrets on how to repeat.
Nomar: That playing on the west coast is all you wanted, because a
one-year deal for $6 million and incentives is about as far from $15
million for four years as Chavez Ravine is from Kenmore Square.
Sean McDonnell: A contract extension to match the one given the new
basketball coach at the U, because when you’ve spent 25 years at a place
as a student, athlete, alum. teacher and coach (who oh by the way had
his team ranked number one in the country) loyalty should be rewarded.
the Boston Bruins: A new owner who actually cares what the record is for
more than selling hot dogs.
the Verizon Arena: A Bruce Springsteen show and two by Paul McCartney,
plus an annual visit from the Pro Bowlers tour for Tim Bechert.
Matt Bonner: Being included in any deal that sends Ron (the) Artest to
the Raptors, because Indiana is a perfect place for a cerebral player
who can drill the weak side three.
the Monarchs: A box full of Who’s On First videos for Cheryl (hey)
Abbott to hand out each month to worthy local schools along with those
$1,000 educational grants to show that kids can learn from sports while
Jamie Staton (his case): A new contract akin to the one his
separated-at-birth (though considerably more stout) twin Charlie Weis
got from Notre Dame after the NFL came knocking.
the Kansas City Royals broadcast team: Elocution lessons because when
someone hits a grounder to second it’s going to be a real mouthful to
say (Mark) Grudzielanek has it and guns it to (Doug) Mientkiewicz.
Haden Edwards: A get-out-of-jail-free card for when locals in Red Sox
Nation find out that the ad in the Sportsman Of The Year edition of
Sports Illustrated featuring Joe Torre drinking Bigelow tea was done by
a card-carrying Red Sox fan whose Tracey, Edwards, O’Neil ad agency
resides at 900 Elm St.
Josh The Annoying Intern: A DSL line to make his Sports Night Internet
research forays a lot quicker than anything we’ve seen lately from his
Mike from the Ledge: A headset for his cell to make it easier to drive
and talk, in hopes it will help him avoid having another accident right
in the middle of a call to Sports Night.
Johnny Damon: The sense not to be idiotic enough to miss that when you
have the kind of dough he has, there’s more to it than just getting the
to everyone else — a happy, safe and peaceful holiday season.
Dave Long can be heard nightly from 6-7pm, on Sports Night with Dave
Long on 61 WGIR-AM.