Hippo Manchester
December 22, 2005

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LONGSHOTS: Santa sack filled to the brim with sports

by Dave Long

With Christmas arriving this week, it’s time to give presents to various and sundry sports folk. So these go out to the following;

To the wide receiver formerly known as T. O: A clue.

To the Manchester Wolves: A quarterback resembling the departed Jake Eaton (his young). The Jimmy Olson of PR gets a new opening sentence for when he grows tired of starting every press releaseswith “The Manchester Wolves are proud to announce .....”

To Bill Weidacher: The real estate mogul gets a life-sized cardboard cutout of Mike Torrez for anytime he wants to recall the moment he told the big fella that he should have taken a few warm-ups when Bucky went to get a new bat on the fateful day.

To Mike Torrez: A lawyer with success in getting his clients anti-stalking protection to help him steer clear of overzealous long-memory types like the aforementioned real estate mogul.

To Trinity Girls: A second straight Class L basketball title because when it takes as long as it did to win the first one, you want to go out and win it again right away.

To Jason Richardson: My Sports Night producer gets a director’s cut of the NBA anthology, Get the Point, to show that while his boy John Stockton was great, he didn’t quite have the same magic as Ervin Johnson.

To the F-Cats: Since we can’t hope for a boatload of talent, as that may lead to the Blue Jays wrecking havoc in Fenway some day — how about a few rehab starts this summer for A. J. Brunett and Roy Halladay in Primary Cat Stadium.

To Doc (10) Wheeler: A copy of Michael Holley’s Patriot Reign to get a few secrets on how to repeat.

To Nomar: That playing on the west coast is all you wanted, because a one-year deal for $6 million and incentives is about as far from $15 million for four years as Chavez Ravine is from Kenmore Square.

To Sean McDonnell: A contract extension to match the one given the new basketball coach at the U, because when you’ve spent 25 years at a place as a student, athlete, alum. teacher and coach (who oh by the way had his team ranked number one in the country) loyalty should be rewarded.

To the Boston Bruins: A new owner who actually cares what the record is for more than selling hot dogs.

To the Verizon Arena: A Bruce Springsteen show and two by Paul McCartney, plus an annual visit from the Pro Bowlers tour for Tim Bechert.

To Matt Bonner: Being included in any deal that sends Ron (the) Artest to the Raptors, because Indiana is a perfect place for a cerebral player who can drill the weak side three.

To the Monarchs: A box full of Who’s On First videos for Cheryl (hey) Abbott to hand out each month to worthy local schools along with those $1,000 educational grants to show that kids can learn from sports while having fun.

To Jamie Staton (his case): A new contract akin to the one his separated-at-birth (though considerably more stout) twin Charlie Weis got from Notre Dame after the NFL came knocking.

To the Kansas City Royals broadcast team: Elocution lessons because when someone hits a grounder to second it’s going to be a real mouthful to say (Mark) Grudzielanek has it and guns it to (Doug) Mientkiewicz.

To Haden Edwards: A get-out-of-jail-free card for when locals in Red Sox Nation find out that the ad in the Sportsman Of The Year edition of Sports Illustrated featuring Joe Torre drinking Bigelow tea was done by a card-carrying Red Sox fan whose Tracey, Edwards, O’Neil ad agency resides at 900 Elm St.

To Josh The Annoying Intern: A DSL line to make his Sports Night Internet research forays a lot quicker than anything we’ve seen lately from his beloved 49ers.

To Mike from the Ledge: A headset for his cell to make it easier to drive and talk, in hopes it will help him avoid having another accident right in the middle of a call to Sports Night.

To Johnny Damon: The sense not to be idiotic enough to miss that when you have the kind of dough he has, there’s more to it than just getting the biggest contract.

And to everyone else — a happy, safe and peaceful holiday season.

Dave Long can be heard nightly from 6-7pm, on Sports Night with Dave Long on 61 WGIR-AM.