Pinings — Advice by Sherry Hughes
Should I stick or should I run?
I'm a 33-year-old newly single mother. Actually not single, but recently separated from a man who is not my son's father.
I have been a single mother for 15 years. Throughout my adult years I have had several relationships, some long term, some very short. I'd always said that I would never get married, and I managed to walk out on four engagements, which today I know was the right choice for me.
Two years ago I met a man who is 13 years older than me. He was single, a bit of a player and I fell madly in love quickly. I pursued him and in no time he returned the feelings. From September to December we played around, then on Jan. 1 (Happy New Year!) he told me that he loved me for the first time. That's when things got really serious. Then on Feb. 14, we moved in together, and on Feb. 26, we got married in a very private, personal wedding.
He was a wonderful husband, the kind most women would go nuts for. He's a good provider, loyal, honest and faithful. For the first time in my life I was with someone who I could truly trust not to cheat on me or to lie to me.
My son and my husband never really got to know each other until the day came for us to live together. They seemed to have started off on the wrong foot. No matter how I tried, it never seemed to get any better. My son left six months later and went to live with his father. I stayed and tried to make my marriage work. After a year, it was still too difficult to be the mother I knew how to be and be a wife. So my husband and I separated in July (this year).
Now after two months of separation, I want him back. My son is living with me once again, doing better than ever, and my husband wants to make it work as well. We are not living together yet-we plan to take our time and try to work things out, but he is a truck driver and only home for a day here and there, so the opportunity for us all to spend time together and work things out is very little and I find that very frustrating. How can we work things out when there's no time together? My son and my husband are finding a new respect for each other, the nitpicking has eased up and now here I sit patiently waiting for the time to see if this is actually workable.
I find it very confusing. Should I wait and see? Is it possible for things to change or am I fooling myself? My son will be gone when he finishes high school. He wants to move away to go to college, and I'm sure he will. Then I'll be alone, and I really wonder about it all.
I've been told I'm commitment phobic because I don't stick it out and try harder to make it work. I know at times I run, but am I running for legitimate reasons or just running from the fear of failure?
I don't see the issue the same way you do; it doesn't seem to me that you are phobic about commitment. But you are a bit impatient for things to change, and these things take time. You had a whirlwind "courtship" and marriage. Then you discovered the things that couples discover when they take time to know each other.
It sounds as if everything is in place now; your son is home, your husband wants to work things out-so why not wait and see what comes? That's where your real work will begin.
These things happen the way they are supposed to, not the way we necessarily want them to. You say your husband is a good man, a good husband-and those men are hard to find. Stick it out and be patient.
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